If Only You Knew How Much I Loved You
by liondancer17
Summary: Belarus's dream has come true. The Soviet Union has reformed, and now she can become one with Russia. It is perfect, until they get their first target, America. Based on Emo Vampire Chic's Only For You Will I Suffer. BelAme
1. Chapter 1

A/N

This fic is a sort of spin-off from my friend Emo Vampire Chic's story, Only for You Will I Suffer. It's an amazing CanUkr fic that I recommend you guys read! As many of you know, my favourite ship in the Hetalia fandom is BelAme. So as you can imagine, I teased *coughbitchedcough* about the complete lack of my OTP in her fic. XD I am a horrible friend. XD So finally I decided, with her permission, to write the first four chapters from Natalya's POV. It might be more, since her story is unfinished, but that will mostly depend on what happens. I decided to skip the first chapter, the reformation of the Union. If you want to read it, go and check out Emo Vampire Chic's story.

Disclaimer: Only for You Will I Suffer belongs to Emo Vampire Chic, Hetalia belongs to Himuraya.

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Belarus would do anything for the man she loved. She would rejoin the Soviet Union, and give up her rights as a free country. She would kill for him, no matter who it was. She would give up everything she was for him, and everything she loved.

Belarus pulled a brush through her long, platinum hair, and adjusted her white ribbon. Her old uniform fit her perfectly, just as it had so long ago. She found herself looking at the Soviet Union flag, the hammer and sickle that showed how hard she worked. She worked so hard for Russia, and he never seemed to notice. She spent several meticulous hours on her hair and her dress, she always, always dressed her best for him. It didn't 'seem to ever matter, though. He never noticed how hard she worked to be beautiful for him.

'_You look beautiful today, Natalya! Just like always~!'_

She clenched her fist, her pale fingers curling over the silver blade. She hated America. She hated him with all her being. He made Brother mad, he caused brother to be so upset the other day, when they restarted the Union. She smiled to herself at the memory. Belarus had been able to touch Brother, even massaging his shoulders and hugging his arm. Her smile vanished when she thought of her sister. Katsuyasha had been so upset about Canada. Belarus didn't want her to join. Not because of how much she wanted to be free, no, but because Katsuyasha could get in the way of Natalya and her brother becoming one. That was all. She supposed it would be easier to work for brother's goal, world peace, if Katsuyasha worked with them.

They were going to kill America. They were going to kill him and get him out of the way. He would never be there for them ever again…_he would never call Belarus beautiful ever again._

She forced herself to smile. Anything for brother. Besides, it wasn't like she cared. She was going to be happy when he was gone, right? He was a stupid capitalist pig, everything would be better with him gone. Brother would be happy, and that made her happy. It wasn't like he was her friend; it wasn't like he took care of her for so long. It wasn't like he noticed how beautiful she tried to be, what her favourite flowers were, or like he was kind to her. It wasn't like he made her smile, like he made her feel happy and _loved._

No. He never did anything like that. Only brother could make her feel happy and loved. She slipped the knife into the holster around her waist, and pulled her silver hair back into a bun, testing how it looked up.

_America said her hair looked better out of her face, because it showed off her beautiful eyes._

Belarus gritted her teeth and let it fall back around her neck. Why couldn't she get him out of her head? He was a nuisance to the world! She WANTED him to die, it would be better for everyone! It would make brother happy, and he would finally love her!

She stood up, and scowled into the mirror. She had to be strong for her brother; he needed her to be able to accomplish his goals. She adjusted her ribbon one last time, and she walked out the door into the meeting.

Katsuyasha sat by Russia, her head bowed, staring at the table. Her short, platinum hair covered her eyes. She seemed to be in an inner struggle. It wasn't like Belarus cared about her sister…she had to be vigilant, watching for betrayal.

Brother was smiling at her. Belarus's heart soared at that beautiful smile. She took her seat by him, angling the chair to be even closer. She smiled at him, and he began the meeting of the New Soviet Union. All three of the Slavic Siblings had gotten everyone back, the Baltic States were way too easy, and just a few threats did it. Poland came back when Russia threatened Lithuania. It was far too easy, and soon the others would join once more.

Brother's plan was brilliant, as expected. All of the members would launch missiles from their own country, so that America couldn't fight back fast enough. He would be hit in most of his major cities, and his heart, Washington D.C. It was an attack impossible to stop; he would die if he wasn't warned. Belarus absorbed this information wordlessly. Her mind seemed to be numbed. It was a brilliant attack; America was going to die for sure.

**America was going to die.**

That one sentence made her feel cold and numb, like she was just a doll. She didn't care. He was in the way of Brother. She didn't care if he lived or died. He was annoying and stupid. She wanted him to die, he deserved it! She would do anything to please brother, even killing the people she loved.

Not that she loved him.

Brother stood, signifying the end of the meeting. I looked up, seeing Katsuyasha turning away from Poland to listen.

""We want to shoot off some of the missiles in your land, I want to split up where all the missiles are so that if America tries to fight back the missile will be split up, and harder to find." He said. Katsuyasha nodded in agreement. "Alright then, the missiles will be moved to each of our countries as soon as possible, and then we will lead the attack tonight," Russia said concluding the meeting. He stood up and walked out, smiling at Belarus as he passed. Belarus felt her lips curl in an automatic response, but her heart didn't soar that time.

Tonight…that was so soon. Belarus stood up from the table, and walked out. Tonight. Tonight. The word echoed in her head. Why did she care? Everything was perfect! Brother would be so happy with her; he would become one with her! She would finally be loved! He would be hers forever! He would finally love her; he would know everything that she did for him! She would finally be loved by someone!

'_Natalya…do you like me? Like….like how I like you?'_

Belarus tore down the hall and ran to her car, intending to go home. She sat in the seat for a few minutes, her hands clenched tight and shaking. It. Didn't. Matter.

She finally started her car, and she found herself driving to the airport. She had plenty of time to prove to herself that it didn't matter before he died.

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Belarus was greeted with a smile and a hug. She stood there doll-like, not throwing America off like she normally would. America seemed surprised, and he looked at her curiously when he pulled away, his blue eyes filled with innocence and life. That cold feeling seeped into Natalya once more, filling her with a sense of sorrow. It didn't matter. She wanted him to die…

"What's up, Natalya?" he asked, taking her inside. She caught sight of the clock. It was 9:45. Fifteen minutes until the missiles launched.

"I just….felt like visiting." She said simply. He smiled, and threw an arm around her shoulder.

"That's great~! I missed having you, Natalya~! It's been, like, forever since you visited me!" He said cheerfully. Belarus suddenly felt her eyes burn, and her heart sink. Her hands shook. America noticed, and he turned her face, looking at her with concern.

"Natalya? You're…you're crying…what's wrong? Did Russia do something? Did he reject you?" America asked.

"_Nyet_…" Belarus replied. "He likes me…" her voice was soft and broken, like it had never been before.

"Then what's wrong?" America persisted. Belarus looked at the clock. 9:50, it was just ten minutes away…

"I..." she started, unable to speak. Tears rolled down her cheeks. She was so stupid! She was betraying her brother! What was wrong with her, why did she care? WHY DID SHE CARE?

America hesitantly hugged her again, gently stroking her long hair. Tears fell freely from her cheeks, soaking his shirt. Her arms held him tightly. This was the last time she would ever see him. She was going to _kill him._

"You're so beautiful, Natalya." He murmured. "You shouldn't cry…it's not right. I don't want you to be upset. You're too gorgeous for that. No one should hate you, you're strong and amazing." He continued. She looked back at the clock. 9:59.

"A-Alfred…" she choked out. "I…I'm sorry…"

"What could you have done wrong?" he asked. She looked up at him. He accepted her. He liked her. He wanted her to be happy. Why…why didn't she see that? Why did he have to die?

"Alfred…I…I…I lo-"she started, but she never finished. America suddenly screamed in pain, blood spilling out from his chest. Natalya held him tighter, sobbing. This couldn't happen! Not now! She didn't want him to die! Not because of her! America cried out again and again, as more cuts opened on his face and torso. She begged and pleaded with God or whoever was out there to save him. He couldn't die!

Then he stopped screaming. Belarus saw his eyes shut, and she felt him go limp in her arms. She held him close, sobbing.

"Alfred! Please! Please, stay with me!" she begged. "Please! Please, I love you, dammit! You can't leave me! I LOVE YOU, you can't go now bastard!" she screamed. "You can't do this to me! You can't go! You can't!"

There was a knock at the door. Belarus froze, then stood up and ran out the back door. No one could see her…she was a monster.

That night, when she came home, she cried herself to sleep. She wished she would never wake up.

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A/N Please review!


	2. Chapter 2

A/N

Be warned. This story is going to get very, very dark. Seriously.

I hope that doesn't scare you, though.

I have no idea how this will end. I don't know if it will be happy or sad. That, dear readers, depends on Emo Vampire Chic, and wherever she puts her brilliant mind to.

Anyway, let's go.

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Natalya leaned her cheek against the car window, watching towering stalks of wheat wave at her as she passed an endless sea of gold. She was out of her normal maid dress, it was exchanged for a simple, white sundress and her usual bow, the one Brother gave her. Reluctantly, she let her indigo eyes drift over to her driver. She was met with a bright smile, glowing like sunshine, and a pair of endless blue eyes. Alfred reached out a hand and grabbed hers, making Natalya scowl darkly, but not yank away.

"You'll love where I'm taking you! It's this gorgeous little summer home I have; at it has millions and millions of sunflowers! And the sky just lights up at night, and there's just so many fireflies and the moon looks so close you could reach out and touch it!" Alfred exclaimed, giving Natalya a hopeful smile. Natalya looked away, making a soft sound of acknowledgement. Alfred's hopeful smile fell, but Natalya didn't say anything. Why was he so…determined? Why did he try to take her all these places? He would never replace brother; didn't the idiot know that by now?

Natalya looked back at Alfred. He was crying, thick rain falling out of his sky-coloured eyes. She shot up in her seat, alarmed. She had never seen him do anything but smile…what was this?

"I don't want to die, Natalya. Why didn't you help me? Why didn't you try? Why do you hate me?" he asked, his voice crackling like dead flies. His tears flowed thicker and darker, water mixed with drops of ruby. Natalya wanted to scream, wanted to cry, but she was frozen. And suddenly she was watching his cities burn, watching the streets flowing with Alfred's blood, watching the light fade from those eyes again and again. She watched him plead for his life, she watched his eyes bore into hers, accusing her of _letting him die again and again while she did nothing…_

Natalya found herself floating, feeling on the verge of consciousness. She struggled forward, trying to wake up, stay up, get up, and end this nightmare. But the darkness hiding behind her ribs ensnared her and drowned her, pulling her back into the hell she created.

_And Natalya leaned her cheek against the car window, watching towering stalks of wheat wave at her as she passed an endless sea of gold…_

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Natalya lay under the covers, staring at the wall. She hadn't bothered to dress herself. She didn't want to eat. She didn't want to move. She didn't even want to cry anymore.

Slowly, she lifted a pale, snowy arm. Pink ribbons swam under the skin, scars. Some from battles, when she had lost her knife to the wrong person. Some from Russia, when he had enough of her closeness. Some from herself. They were the vertical, straight ones. She needed to be punished. She didn't want to have brother do it, so she did it herself.

His face burned in her mind. She did it. She killed him. She left him alone, after he loved her.

She loved him.

She let him die.

She deserved this.

She could almost feel his gloved hands around hers. He wanted to punish her, of course. Why wouldn't he?

'_**You let me die.' **_his voice hissed at her, hollow and empty and cutting. Rain flowed down her face, as the fat red seeds fell from her arms. Greedy and saturated, they stained her indigo dress, hitting the snowy white apron. She didn't feel the pain; she just felt the ice stabbing what was left of her shrunken, blackened, filthy heart.

'_**I hate you. You are worthless. You couldn't even save me. Cut deeper. Die. Join me and try to make me love you again.' **_He snarled, _**'You can't do it, can you? You can't die for me. You're pathetic. You're disgusting. You're stupid. Go and pine after your brother again. Let him murder everyone but you and him. Kill your older sister who loves you like a mother. That's all you are. A monster.'**_

Natalya's hand trembled as she threw the silver blade down, covering her face with her pillow. If she held her breath long enough, she could die….

But she saw his face. Those cutting eyes, that harsh voice. She couldn't face him….she couldn't let him take her heart a second time….

She shut her eyes and tried to sleep to the gentle lullaby of her blood hitting tile.

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Belarus kept her head down, her bangs covering her eyes. She could feel her sister's stares, and the concerned looks of Lithuania, but she couldn't say anything. Her head was too full of angry whispers. She tried to focus on the deep, soothing gentle voice of Russia, but not even her brother could help.

'_**I loved you. I loved you with all my heart. I had a picture of you in my wallet. I loved you.'**_

"Shut up…" she whispered, her hands trembling.

'_**We could have been happy. We could have had a family. I would say yes to marriage. I loved you.'**_

"Shut up." She said, her voice cracking. But he did not stop.

'_**You killed me. I loved you and you killed me.'**_

"Ah! Shut up, shut up, shut up!" she screamed. She put her hands over her ears gripping her head. "I'm sorry, alright, I'm sorry, just please, shut up and stop this torture!" she ran out of the room, crying. She could hear shouting and chairs, but she didn't pay attention. She fell to her knees, sobbing.

"I'm sorry….I'm so sorry."

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A/N Please review. *hands out tissues*


	3. Chapter 3

A/N Okay, I have two chapters to catch up on! two in one day! w00t!

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(Belarus's POV)

The days dragged by slowly, melding into one. Belarus couldn't take the guilt. Instead of moving on, the healthy response, she pushed the world out, locking it, and swallowing the key.

When sleep became too much, when the dreams came back and locked her in herself for too long, Belarus moved on. It was a list; a system. Shower. Dress. Eat, just enough to stay alive. Sign papers. Sleep. Shower. Dress. Eat, just enough to stay alive.

This was the way she was for weeks. A robot. To make herself feel something, _anything, _when the blackness and poison swimming under her veins began to boil under her skin, she let it all out with a slash of her knife.

She always used the one that America gave her. It made him laugh while he watched her, arms around her waist, lips pressed against her neck. He felt like ice water, and his laugh sounded like a thousand tiny screams, all shattering the glass around her.

Belarus broke her mirrors, too. All of them. The garbage man had yet to pick them up, so she set them outside as lawn decorations. When she ran outside to escape the ghost of America haunting her, she sometimes cut her feet on it. At least it was numbed by the snow.

After a while, _systra _began to visit her. Belarus fell, sobbing, into Katsuyasha's arms the minute she saw her. Katsuyasha knew how it felt to lose someone. Belarus cried and cried, not letting go of her precious _systra. _

"I loved him…I loved him..." she would always tell her _systra. _She never said why she cried, but it was enough that Katsuyasha was there.

After this, came the meeting.

"Hello everyone, wonderful morning isn't it," Russia announced, smiling at the room. "I know I called you all here for a 'meeting' but I guess that's not exactly the right word, more like you are all here so I can give you your orders, and all you dogs know what'll happen if you don't obey, da?"

Belarus didn't answer. She didn't notice Katsuyasha looking at her.

I'm sure you have all seen that letter we got from the damn countries against us by now. Originally I would move my way up; Canada is the 2nd biggest country of the world, only surpassed by me. He of course would be the next on my list,"

Canada. His brother.

_**See? You could have saved me. If only you loved me, like I loved you. If you weren't a monster, you could have had me. But we all know that's too late, don't we? You have everything you want. You and your precious brother.**_

"Please, stop..." Belarus whispered. In response, America laughed and wrapped his arms around her waist.

_**Didn't you always want a man to love you and never let you go? Oh, but nothing is enough for you! Not until you die, you worthless bitch. **_

"But of course, Ukraine has bought his freedom, so my next target is Europe, we'll stick with the whole America theme and pick off all his close ones first, and the first one that comes to mind is England. We have all seen England at the meetings, he runs the show, and once we get rid of him we will really be sending a message. Then the rest of the world will see that we really mean business," Russia continued. "It's all about survival of the fittest! We are the group that has moved on to solve these problems of this fierce world, they are the weaker ones and until the others learn to join us, they will be picked off. It's Natural Selection! You all feel as though I am a monster, you all hate me, but think of it this way; I have saved you all from being destroyed! I saved you! You should be thanking me!"

_**Why don't you go thank him? You finally killed me.**_America purred. Belarus clenched her hands to her temples, trying to block out his voice.

Why?

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5:00 the clock read. The green numbers seemed to flash and flash and flash, the clock didn't change, it seemed like the world just stood still it was insane. Belarus had to do it, she had to press the button but she couldn't. She stared at the red button. These were her orders, all she had to do, just press this button at the right time. The seconds were ticking away but Belarus couldn't do it. It's not that she was close to England, she really wasn't but…she couldn't, she couldn't do it to another person, the guilt was killing her. America was in her ear, she could practically feel the ghost of his breath on her neck.

_**Do it**_. _**Just**__** do it.** _

Belarus felt her heart pounding in her chest. She knew she had to do it, she knew Russia wanted it. Brother wanted this, she just needed to do what brother says and then he'll like her and they can get married like she have always wanted, but right now…she just couldn't do it.

_**Do it, you need to do it. Just do it Natalya, do it and make England like me, then you will have the two of us here, with you for the rest of my life.**_

_**Do it.**_

_**Just do it! **_he screamed.

Belarus stared at the button and fell to her knees. She needed to do this, she needed to do, she needed to do it.

'_But I can't…._'

Tears fell from her eyes and rolled down her cheek.

_'I can't do, do this…just…I can't do this, I can't kill him, I can't kill someone the same way I killed him. I just can't. I can't do it.'_

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A/N Please review!


	4. Chapter 4

A/N Okay, I have two chapters to catch up on! two in one day! w00t!

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(Belarus's POV)

The Belarusian sat in her chair, staring blankly at her hands. _He _hadn't appeared to her since that day, which was good. Natalya thought it might be because he was happy she didn't kill his brother. She was both relieved and scared. She didn't want him to scream and hate him, like she had before, but she didn't want to lose him again.

Belarus laid her head down and covered her face, attempting to sleep. She hadn't slept in two days. She was scared. Brother would surely kill her. She knew he would.

Somehow, Belarus didn't feel scared. She wasn't scared of death. No, Belarus was scared of _him. _An eternity with him was much worse. She bit her lip. He would hate her and scream and cut her into tiny pieces. She deserved it, but she didn't want him to.

_**You loved me, bitch. You loved me. Not surprising, since you hurt Katsuyasha, and she loved you.**_

Belarus shook. He was back. She could smell him. Sunshine, sea salt, and a faint, woodsy musk. He was back. She felt sick.

Belarus reached a trembling hand down to her knife-holster. Cutting always made him go away.

That was when the door opened. America laughed again as Belarus looked up at her brother with wide, terrified eyes.

"Are all of you so dense that you would actually think to challenge me, you would actually think to defy me?! Are all of you so stupid to think that you could disobey me and doubt my power?! You are all stupid pieces of shits! If you think that just because you are part of the union I will spare you well then you are wrong! I know who it was that didn't shoot off the rest of their missiles, but I want all the rest of you the rest of you to know that you are not necessary to me, if wanted to I could just take you all out one by one and take your land for myself. The only reason I allow you all to live unlike the others who have crossed me is because you have agreed to the plan towards a perfect world. I thought all of you have committed to the perfect world but apparently we have a weak link, someone who wants to work against all of our plans, we have a traitor," he said.

"I'm sorry!" Belarus screamed as she lept to her feet, shaking, tears running down her cheeks. Russia took a step forward towards her, he took her look in and for a moment his eyes looked soft as he took in the look of his sister, but then they returned to hard and cold and he raised his hand and swiftly struck Natalya across the face. Natalya fell to the ground, not even registering the pain. Russia pulled her back up by her hair and slapped her again.

"I have to say, that it really surprised me with this. I would have never suspected that you would be the one to try and foil my plans, you have been devoted to my side for years, wanting marriage and stuff," he paused and looked into her eyes. "And maybe I would have gone and done it too, when the world was finally perfect. I would have taken you and kissed you and loved you, but now…" he let his words lead off, and Natalya looked up at him.

Alfred lent down and softly whispered in her ear.

_**I would never hit you, Natalya. **_

"I'm sorry..." Natalya whispered.

Russia raised his hand and slapped her again.

"You weak pathetic bitch," he shouted and laughed. "I don't know why I was so afraid of you all these years. You are nothing," he slapped her again. "Nothing, you know, last night I considered bombing you instead but I wanted to why, tell me why!" He shouted as he grabbed her by her neck. Belarus fell limp in his hands. She deserved this.

America held her from behind.

_**Just relax...come with me...**_

Belarus shut her eyes. He wouldn't hit her, he would save her again...

The last thing Belarus saw before she passed out was America's rotted corpse, smiling.

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A/N Yeah...way too much dark imagery.


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